the lack of normalcy in my life makes me feel extreme loneliness. i hate caring. i hate seeing other people's lives and feeling envious. i know what other people mean when they have the latter tendency to build an "American dream" or the "perfect family" in the absence of likeability in terms of their own up-bringing, a pleasant childhood or rational relationships. i'm totally lacking and its always been this way. i've never been first, its never been about me. i tag along, my opinion never matters and at the end of the day all i have are my thoughts. a little girl supressed and wishful of a different life. being left behind, put on the back burner. i've been neglected and forgotten...i've been neglected while still being in the room right next to her. why hasn't she ever cared? or talked? or asked? or had sympathy; empathy? and why am i always affected by her bad judgement and ridiculous decisions. i hate caring because she doesn't even care.

i hate that all my life, i've known that i'm the only person i have. so, thank god for miracles. thank god for my best friend. two years of feeling like i am cared for and considered and loved. thanks, matt.


ivane said...

This post made me so sad...In some aspects I'm the very opposite. I'm constantly included in matters that shouldn't concern me. I'm always involved in their shit because we're "family" (because I'm the only one left). God...I envy my cousins who have escaped years of heartache & stress. At times like these I really wish I had a sibling I could turn to so that I can share my grief, you know? Being an only child bites.

So, have you tried opening up to "her?"

aileen said...

i always just wanted a "normal" relationship with "her"... i hate to talk badly about her, but i hate that i've never been able to talk to her about anything besides shopping. ive always wanted to talk in depth, but thats impossible. last time i cracked a honest to God joke- a true joke, it wasnt serious at all, she got pissed and didnt talk to me for days. how could anyone deal with that? matt always says, she needs to live in reality and that she doesnt understand how the world works....to sum her up, i guess. she gave me life, though....she just plays a strange role in it. thanks for caring ivane. i hate battling these emotions, i hate when they get brought out. i get emotional for days- weeks, even.