the lack of normalcy in my life makes me feel extreme loneliness. i hate caring. i hate seeing other people's lives and feeling envious. i know what other people mean when they have the latter tendency to build an "American dream" or the "perfect family" in the absence of likeability in terms of their own up-bringing, a pleasant childhood or rational relationships. i'm totally lacking and its always been this way. i've never been first, its never been about me. i tag along, my opinion never matters and at the end of the day all i have are my thoughts. a little girl supressed and wishful of a different life. being left behind, put on the back burner. i've been neglected and forgotten...i've been neglected while still being in the room right next to her. why hasn't she ever cared? or talked? or asked? or had sympathy; empathy? and why am i always affected by her bad judgement and ridiculous decisions. i hate caring because she doesn't even care.
i hate that all my life, i've known that i'm the only person i have. so, thank god for miracles. thank god for my best friend. two years of feeling like i am cared for and considered and loved. thanks, matt.